Getting out of the Rut

Oh My. What is it with me? I am trying, trying and I do not know which way to go.

I am starting. It may not be the right path. But it is a path.

I am trusting. I have faith. These are good.

But I am far from there.

I may not be out of my rut; in fact, I know I am not out of my rut. But I am moving in it, attempting to get out.

Like a car that is stuck in mud or snow, you know you need to get out. First, you just press the gas. And then you do it a few more times. And then you realize you need something more than the gas and the accelerator in the car to get out. You may have to try a few things before you figure out how to get your car out.

In the snow, all it may take is a few handfuls of salt to help get your traction. And that may move you forward a bit, but then you are stuck again. You may try to put some boards or wood there to gain traction. Of course, you have used the shovel you keep in your car to keep moving snow from around the tires. Sometimes you may have to borrow a shovel because for some reason yours is not in your car - maybe because you have loaned it to someone else that was stuck.

Sometimes, you enlist help from friends or family. Sometimes that doesn’t work.

Sometimes, a stranger will stop and try to help. Once my neighbor came to try to help. He is from London and probably Minnesota Blizzards are not his specialty. I knew he wanted to help, but doubted he could. He went home and fetched a rope and we tied it from our other car to the Suburban that was trapped in the snowbank. The first try, the rope just came untied. Then we tightened the knots and made more knots and tried again. Then the rope broke. We were cold. I thanked him (I hope) and sent him home, saying I would call a tow. I did call a tow and he came with his big tow truck and tools and pulled me right out.

Sometimes we need others to pull us out. The next couple of winter days, I slid around on the slick streets for the unending winter conditions, until I slid into another snow bank. Others can, and often do, have to get us out. The sooner we let others in, the sooner we can be open to their service.

Just because you find yourself in a rut, and know you need to get out, it doesn’t always happen with the first, or second, or third try. Or the first or second or third tool you use. Does that mean that you leave your car there and quit trying? No. You keep trying. You keep plugging away. You try something else. You keep working hard and keep your eye on the prize.

I will get out of this rut.

Something has happened to me

Something has happened to me. I’m not sure when and I am not sure how. I trust. I have faith. I have asked for it, hoped for it, faked it. But in the past, when things got hard, they were harder than they needed to be.

I think my general coping mechanism is flight. Although some may not agree. If I have not always fled physically, which I often have, I flee mentally. I shut out the world, close up. I think of all the ways I don’t need whoever or whatever has caused me angst. How I can live without them. I started this early in life and still, sometimes, it is my first line of defense when I am hurt or scared.

I have had a trying few weeks, built upon a trying few months and even years. It will take a book to actually describe what has led to this grueling time, because it was nothing hard and fast like a divorce or unexpected death or a hurricane. The loss of self rarely has a defining moment; rather it is given up gradually.

But, just as I sit here looking at the snow out of the window on this second day of May, I know the summer is coming. Every single day last month, I kept thinking tomorrow will be better. Now I am not convinced it will be tomorrow, but I know for a fact that summer will be back.

Just as I know summer is coming, I know that I will get through this tough time. I don’t have to manage it or manipulate it. I don’t have to run away from it, or even build my mental wall around it. I may or may not have to work my way out of it. I am sitting with it and feeling it the best that I can.

“If we can stay awake
 when our lives are changing,
secrets will be revealed to us
—secrets about ourselves,
about the nature of life,
and about the eternal source
of happiness and peace
that is always available,
always renewable,
already within us.”
~ELIZABETH LESSER

This is not comfortable or fun. Or in a moment to moment basis, particularly enlightening. In saving the energy that I usually use to run or protect, something is happening. I am finding some peace, and , perhaps a little direction.