Sometimes Little Changes are Harder

Change can be profound or minute. Like the inside wheels of a (non digital) clock, a movement change in one will inevitably change another.  Change begets change. 

Sometimes the big changes are easier.  It may not feel like it at the time of course.  Sometimes we prepare and plan for our big changes. Other times, the big changes come when there is no other choice.  

“Change will happen when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.”  

My mother taught me this.  I don’t remember her saying it all the time, but she must have said it plenty of times because I remember it, hold it, return to it, and I associate this knowledge with her. 

Sometimes I want the change to stop.  Often the little changes that accompany the bigger ones are more irritating.  I’m not expecting them, and these changes throw me off track when I least expect it.   Sort of like spring in Minnesota.  Since moving to Minnesota, I find spring so God damned annoying that I can’t stand it.  It is June 10 and its cold, windy and gray.  And it has been like this since the middle of March.  I can handle the bitter below zero weather and blistering blizzards and the long dark days of winter, but when I so desperately have waited and waited and spring refuses to come, I become unhinged. 

So too are other changes that we, perceivably, have more control over.  Like when I was trying to change the way I ate.   This huge change had me feeling much better and healthier in general because I was eating more consciously.  Some hiccup came so I ordered [put anything bad here - burger and fries, chicken pot pie, turtle fudge sundae] because these have comforted me in the past. And, surprisingly, they made me feel worse.  So, my big change of diet, that I undertook on my terms when I was ready, had complicated another area that was not expected. I did not know how to deal with unease  without eating crappy food. Why should this be hard now, after weeks of working hard to change my diet? Crappy food had always been my solace.  Life boats aren’t supposed to have holes.

I weathered the last few months of mental and emotional darkness and have begun to emerge with a new hope and vitality.  I scheduled my writing time, and have done a fairly good job of protecting it. As I sit  during my designated time in my sacred space (OK, Starbucks, but whatever) I am struggling with an unexpected feeling of unease. 

Yes, I have developed tools and even a little reserve now to deal with unease as it comes.  BUT  I DON’T WANT TO DO THE WORK.  I want to just be.  Relax in my time.  I created this space for growth.  It’s on my calendar.  This is my designated time. I want to do it my way.  I want my mind to be free and open and ON.  I don’t want to have to breathe deep, trust, sit with the unease, acknowledge that it is a sensation and it will pass. 

But I will.