Thursday, September 29, 2011

Sometimes I Do That

I know the right thing to do to care for myself, and sometimes I do it.  I know what isn’t right, and sometimes I do that too. 
I meant for this to be a quote but I can’t find it or remember it exactly.  But this is the message I took, so I’m starting there.  
I started yoga about 10 years ago.  I quit the same day because those freaks would bend in scary ways and talked about breath and breathing as if their life depended on it.    And all that stillness, all that un-exercise, just made the lists longer of all that I wanted to do.  And I kept being in positions where I could see my feet and I didn’t want to add pedicures to my list.  
I kept hearing benefits from people, NORMAL people I should add.  So I would try it again every six months or so when there was absolutely nothing else to do except rearrange my sock drawer.  I never liked it while I was there because  I felt insecure and had a lot of growing to do the people were weird . However, I did feel better afterwards.  
Sometime a few years ago, I needed somewhere I could go without my kids and they had a childcare I became pretty hard core, and started going 4 or 5 times a year.   I didn’t, still don’t know what ayengar or hatha or vinyasa meant.  But I liked this class because at the end you got to lay there and do nothing and listen to him say that some people considered this the hardest pose.  I felt smug because I was good at it and didn’t think it was hard at all.  Plus, I could do this and make my list for the day.  Talk about multi tasking.  
He would also go around and give ...... mini massages? touch therapy?  at the end.  He would touch my temples and rub a couple of circles and do funky things on my forehead, face, ears, and neck with  his voodoo aromatic oil.  Now, don’t go thinking I am a touchy feely person because I was practically forced to let him do this.  Before he did this, he asked all of us to lay in shavasana and close our eyes.  He said he would be coming around and putting a curse and laying hands or some other tree hugger word.  If we weren’t comfortable with this, just lift our hands slightly right now to let him know. Well, of course I peeked to see who else was sane would not join in this seance  thought this was a crock of shit  would refrain.  When no one else raised their hand, I froze.  I had to think quickly.  If I am the only one who doesn’t do it, then I bet they will all join him and confront me with some sort of intervention.  I felt trapped.  Sort of like when a grizzly bear is mauling you, you don’t fight back.  Just play dead.  So I would incorporate that strategy.  
It reminded me of a time when I was in Indonesia getting a $10 massage and I tried to tell the girl not to touch my feet.  She just didn’t get it.  And I ended up loving it. 
Same with Tory’s touch.  It was one of the first things that relaxed my body and mind.  I still can’t explain it to this day.  This laying on the hands lasted maybe thirty seconds.  But the life force was inexplicable.  I started going every month or two just for the few minutes of shavasana and the 30 seconds of this laying on the hands.  
So, last spring when I was in a bad funk, I returned for the laying on of hands. Except now he had this huge following and the class had like 50 people now and he didn’t do this anymore.  Of course.  
But I had been to Kripalu and tried meditating with Dani Shapiro, so I would do a version of meditating during shavasana.  I guess I learned to quiet my mind because I would not leave there with a list of a million things to do. 
And the yoga grew on me, and I began to become attached to Tory for different reasons.    He was in a motorcycle accident this summer, and hasn’t been able to come for a couple of months.  Last week, we were told he is much better, but he would not be coming back.  He has been there close to 10 years on Tuesday mornings at 9:15.  And then they said they were going to try several guest instructors for a while before they hired a replacement.  
While I can’t write much more right now about the impact Tory had on my life, I know for a fact he would not want us to miss him.  Really, he wouldn’t.  Even if he missed us, he would not want us to miss him.  So, almost immediately, I accepted his leaving and opened up to find someone else to learn from.  The girl last week sucked. I really liked the sub for this week.  She was warm and whole and delicious and kind and I left thinking the world is full of good people.  
And I left with my version of the quote at the beginning.  Taking Care of Myself is becoming a much bigger theme in Take Back My Family than I wanted it to imagined.  


  1. I'm sorry for the loss of Tory - I know just what you mean about attachment, and the simultaneous knowledge that the object of that attachment would not wish it so! So hard. But I'm not altogether surprised that taking back your family starts with taking care of yourself. I struggle with this too. But I really do believe it is essential. xox

  2. I saw this one coming - congrats on getting to the point of realizing self care has to come first.

    Now let me know if you figure it all out!

    And I promise, a new teacher will show up just when you need them...


  3. Oh my god. I almost peed my pants reading this, I laughed so hard.

    I struggle with taking care of myself. I go to yoga but only because I am insane when I don't go. Every day, I forget to take care of myself. Every single day. Thanks for this hilarious and lovely reminder. I wish I could do both so well! xoxo