Sometimes, I question , as I’m certain you do, if I am the right woman for you. Your life would have been so different without my complexities. The terroir of my emotional landscape is as familiar to you as Mars. You don’t question like I do, and for God’s sake you value keeping the peace over speaking your mind. My softness often hides inside, under my quills, where the good it does is more elusive. You might have been served better with the opposite, soft on the outside, quills kept tucked safely away. I am much more than I do, and this lies in direct conflict to one of your most esteemed values and identifying trait of being a hard worker.
But, still waters run deep, and in my heart, I know you have a very deep well. You are my private iceberg. Only the tip can be seen; the majority of the mass is hidden, undiscovered, unknown, unreachable. One of your favorite quotes is, “I like a challenge.” You might say that about me, although I know I am, and our marriage is, harder than you ever thought it would be.
Many of the things I want from you, I now realize you want from me too. And I wish, more than anything, that I could give them to you. I think the reason I want them so badly from you, is that I don’t know how to give them..... to you, to me, to anyone.
The soft, calm, centered, artistic, playful soul beckons to me from somewhere, and I greedily want it. I get glimpses of it, and pounce, ravenous for what has been missing for so long. But, you see, a calm soul can’t live with ravenous, pounce, and greed. It may not be as elusive as trapping a moonbeam, but the challenge needs more tools than I have right now.
So, I unabashedly demand it of you. Unbeknownst to me, I am asking you for something I am seeking, perhaps for myself, perhaps for others. Something I have been exposed to, yet do not know intimately.
Welcome to my inner journey. My hidden softness can only be exported through the written word for now. It can’t be spoken yet; it gets distorted and torn and hardened when I try to speak my truth.
I know, in the subterfuge of your iceberg, you can comprehend, interpret, listen, feel, at least part of my pilgrimage to my center. I invite you, to understand my deepest and most private self, through my written word.